This stupid funk

I honestly have to get myself out of this funk that I’ve been in for the last seven months.  I have been so emotionally damaged since May of this year.  I’ve never had my heart broken like this before.  I have my good days but those are really rare.  I get up every morning and go to work.  I come home to an empty place and you h do nothing.  I try and go do some photography after work but it’s dark half an hour after I leave work.  Winters absolutely suck in Canada.  You have really short days and long nights.  The days are cold and the nights are even colder.  My heart is just charcoal.  It’s essentially dead.  Every date I’ve had was essentially a disaster.  The women online that I meet through the dating sites are total and complete unreliable flakes.

The only things that keep me going now are just 2 or 3 friends that I hang out with regularly, my job and my photography.  I have to find a side gig to pay off my crippling debt that the ex girlfriend left me with.  I now have to pay for the whole rent for the apartment.  I have to pay for all my food.  Internet, phone, car insurance, hydro, rent.  All on me.  I get that I’m an adult and I don’t want to be a parasite on someone, let alone society.  I just feel very alone and isolated.  The thing I miss the most is coming home to someone and going to bed alone.  

In the spring of 2023, I’ll be moving myself to Calgary, Alberta.  I just can’t stay here in Ottawa anymore.  I’m just done.  I’m so bored with the city, with everything.  I’m just going to find a room in a house somewhere and pay my $600 a month.  I literally have no one to rely on.  Just myself.  I know I’m not the only one in this situation.  And I know most people have it worse than myself.

I think, from now on, I’m going to spend the rest of my life alone.  That is quite sad to say at the age of 47.  But the way things are going right now with society, with women who want to act like and be men, it’s just not worth dating anymore.  All you have is miserable single mothers who have unbelievably high standards that for most guys are unattainable.  95% of women now go after the 1% of guys who make $100,000, are over 6 feet tall and whatever else.  I hope things change in the coming months.  I’m 47.  I don’t go to clubs, bars.  I spend the majority of my time alone.  

I need to change my location.  I need to change me.  I need to be in the mountains.  I was there in 2017 for 4 months and I was happy.  Driving and seeing the mountains.  Walking in the mountains and breathing the fresh air.  Taking pictures and videos.  That was the best time of my life.  I have to recapture that.

Alberta here I come

 

I'm sitting here at the Tim Horton's on Lancaster Road in Ottawa.  I just finished keywording and naming pictures that I shot from last winter.  Yup, last winter.  The last 10 or so months have been an emotional hell for me.  I was basically physiologically screwed up by my ex.  It's not easy to admit and it's embarrassing to say and admit.  It basically took me six months to basically get back to being myself and being alright with myself again.  

I don't blame my ex as I should have seen the red flags and I should have bailed years ago but I wanted the relationship to work.  I basically didn't want to give up but I should have.  I actually never should have come back to Ottawa back in 2017 when I was in Calgary for 4 months for work.  But it is what it is.  I've learned from another mistake in my life.  

I think another mistake is staying in Ottawa.  April 1, 2023, I will be going to Calgary.  I am 100% sure of this move.  I just miss the mountains, the fresh air, the lakes in the mountains.  Doing photography in the mountains.  I've been single for 6 months and 1 day as of today.  Will I date again?  Possibly.  In Ottawa?  Probably not.  Right now, I just want to focus on me, my photography and my photography business.

Winter is coming up awfully quickly here in Ottawa.  You can smell and feel it in the air.  I'm going to have to find a part time job here in Ottawa for the winter months.  Just something part time in the evenings and weekends.  I'm going to have to squeeze in photography as well.  And look for a job out west.  I don't know how long I can last at DFO for.  Rumor is we're getting our crappy CS4 back.  He hates us and the team hates him.  

This weekend and/or week I want to actually upload pictures to my other website so I can actually start selling them at reasonable prices.  No more of this micro stock agency shit where you get literally 10 cents on the dollar for a high quality, high mega pixel stock photo.  The return on investment is ludicrious.  I could teach photography as well on a one on one basis but it's hard to get your name out there.  Especially now with people having a camera in their pocket 24/7.  

So this afternoon and evening, I will be learning how to setup a Squarespace website.  Hopefully, I'll learn enough to configure at least most of it.  Tomorrow, configure my website and this week look for a job out in Calgary and temp evening job here in Ottawa for the winter.

It’s time for a huge change

I’m staying with my current employer until March 31, 2023.  After that I’m done.  Moving to Calgary.  I just have to.  Everything in my being is telling me I have to move.  For my own sanity, I have to move.  I’ve been in Ottawa for 39 years.  That’s way too long.  I was in Calgary for 4 months back in 2017.  I fell in love with the nature, the ability to be outdoors, in the mountains within 45 minutes.  I just can’t be in the Ottawa valley anymore. There’s nothing more that I can photograph here in Ottawa.  I have the parliament, some of the museum buildings, some other architecture but that’s about it.  I just miss the mountains, the fresh mountain air, the silence, just being alone in the wilderness.  I really miss it.

Back at work after a vacation and surgery

I’m back at work finally for good.  I worked one day in the last two weeks due to weeks worth of vacation and then I had surgery to fix a hernia.  Did a lot of photography but not as much as I wanted.  I fixed up my website as well.  

This was the first time I actually had side effects from some of the meds.  Gonna feel like crap for a few more days I think.  

It’s been 5 months now since the ex decided to pull her shit and I’m pretty much back to normal.  I don’t want to date anymore.  It’s just not worth it.  The women out there now lack the feminine qualities I’m looking for.  I really don’t want to talk about it anymore.  I want to focus on my photography, my career and myself.  I’ve been single 2 of the last 25 or so years so it’s time to concentrate on myself.  I want to work and pay off my debt over the next couple of months.

The above picture is of the waterfalls in Almonte, ON - Canada.  I have this coming Friday off so I think I’ll go to Almonte or Algonquin Park and take pictures of the Fall colours.  

What a vacation

So I got my Leica Q2 Monochrome last week and I’ve been playing around with it for the last couple of days.  It’s a completely different system than what I am used to.  The menu system is very simple and not overly complex.  The simplicity is actually making the camera a little harder to use because you don’t have as many options.  I’ve had a few photos accepted onto Shutterstock.  Yes, I’m back to uploading to Shutterstock for a little bit just to see how things go.

On a side note, I’ve been dealing with a somewhat crazy ex.  She sent her new boyfriend with a couple of his friends to my apartment and threatened to do me harm.  Emails were sent to leave me alone or the police will be called along with her employer.  Everything seems to have stopped for now.  Time will tell.  

Now it’s just time to focus on my photography and myself.  I’ve been single for 5 months to the day now.  I’m getting much better emotionally.  With what happened yesterday, I’m choosing to be very single and not chase the opposite sex.  I’m watching a lot of YouTube videos now and I’m seeing society pretty much crumble.  I wish I had the money to buy one of those class b camper vans and just go live in one of those in the woods so I don’t really have to deal with people.  I’d love to just drive around and do photography.  Post stuff online and stay away from people.  

Vacation - September 2022

It’s been a while since I’ve been on vacation.  I’d say about a year ago at this time I was in Nova Scotia with my now ex-girlfriend.  I should really go.  I bought all the stuff I need to sleep in my car.  I am very independent.  I don’t need hotels to sleep in as I can sleep in my Santa Fe Sport SUV.  I have an air mattress.  I have a portable power supply which should last me a week to power my camera, camcorder and cell phone.  I really need to get away.  It’s been almost four months now and the pain is still there.  I’ve lost any and all trust in women.  I’m not looking to spend my future with a woman as I don’t trust women anymore since my ex girlfriend cheated on me.  I’ve been on three dates in the past 4 months.  I had to run away from the last date just because it was so weird and awkward. The women on the dating websites are a total shit show.  Completely unreliable and not worth it.  

I absolutely need the break from everything.  I just hope to get a photography job somewhere.  Just so done with the 9-5 office job.

My YouTube channel

So in the last few months, I've started a YouTube channel.  Haven't really done anything photography wise.  Just uploaded a few videos showing off some fireworks and a few shorts where I get the majority of my views.  You can view the channel here.

I want to get my Google AdSense back so I'm hoping more and more people visit my blog and subscribe to the blog and the YouTube channel.

I am back

So it's been a while ride the last several years.  My girlfriend and I moved to an apartment in April of 2019.  The Rona hit in March of 2020 and it was a disastrous 2  years.  From about May of 2021, something happened between Blogger and Godaddy.  The two sites stopped working nicely together and I couldn't figure out what.  So I stopped posting to the blog and I started a YouTube channel instead.  During the 2 year pandemic, I didn't realize it then, but I fell into a deep depression.  Didn't do hardly any photography or videography.  Just basically went to work and came home.  Didn't go to the gym, didn't exercise, didn't do any photography at all.

Then on May 10, 2022, I witnessed a car accident where I saw a woman die from her injuries.  May 13th was also my last day at work until my contract was renewed a month later.  On May 12th of the same week, my girlfriend decided to leave me.  So that was a wonderful week.

I am back at work now thankfully.  Have been since June 13, 2022.  I'm trying to keep myself busy.  I'm going out more, though I'm trying to pay off some debt.  I'm doing more car camping.  Next weekend is a long weekend and it's supposed to be nice and clear.  So time to do some astrophotography and wildlife photography.

I also managed to fix this website.  Got it back up and running.  I of course lost over a year of ad revenue from Google.  I've decided not to date anymore.  I've been single 2 years out of the last 25 years or so and I've found that I just don't want to date anymore.  This is the first weekend in years where I've slept peacefully.  I got a full night, uninterrupted sleep for 2 straight day.

I'm bringing my Sony a7R III with me after work and I'm taking more pictures and I'm doing a lot more video with my Sony FDR AX700b camcorder.  In just over two weeks I'm gonna be going to Nova Scotia for a week long trip.  No hotels, motels at all.  Just going to car camp the whole weekend.  I want to save up some money for next year when I move to Alberta.  

I am single now.  I have no family here in Ottawa that I have to support and see if they want to move with me to Calgary.  Ever since I came back from Calgary 5 years ago, I've always wanted to go back there.  Now that I'm single and I'm gainfully employed at Fisheries and Oceans, I'm actually enjoying my time alone.  I'm glad this blog is back up and running.  I'm glad I can write again.  I'm glad I can do my photography again.  I'm glad to be back.